What Should I Do If I Don't Want Sex Anymore, or My Partner Doesn't Want Sex as Much as I Do? A Couple's Therapist's Guide to Desire Discrepancy
- Valinda Harlan
- Jun 18
- 8 min read
Updated: Jun 20
By Valinda Harlan, LMHC, LPC | Bright Future Counseling LLC | Couples Counseling PNW
Key Takeaways About Sexual Desire
Desire discrepancy is when partners want sex at different frequencies or intensities. It is one of the most common concerns couples bring to therapy. You are not broken, and your relationship is not doomed.
Sexual desire exists on a spectrum and changes across the lifespan. A mismatch doesn't mean you're incompatible.
Research by sex educator Emily Nagoski, couples therapist Esther Perel, and others shows that desire is deeply contextual; it can be shaped by stress, body image, attachment, relationship dynamics, past experiences, resentment, and more.
Both "I've lost interest in sex" and "my partner never wants sex anymore" are solvable problems with the right tools and support.
Bright Future Counseling provides couples counseling in Vancouver, WA, and throughout Washington and Oregon, and can help partners navigate desire discrepancy with compassion and evidence-based strategies.
What Is Desire Discrepancy and Is It Normal?
If you've searched "what to do when you don't want sex anymore" or "my partner never wants sex," you're in far better company than you might think. Desire discrepancy, when two partners have different levels of interest in sexual intimacy, is one of the most frequently cited concerns in couples therapy. Studies suggest it affects the majority of long-term couples at some point in their relationship.
Desire discrepancy doesn't mean something is wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. It means you're human.
What matters isn't whether your desire levels match perfectly (they seldom do), but how you and your partner navigate the gap.
Why Desire Changes: What the Research Tells Us
The Dual Control Model: Accelerators and Brakes
In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model of sexual response, originally developed by sex researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen at the Kinsey Institute.
This model explains that sexual desire operates like a car with both an accelerator (the Sexual Excitation System, or SES) and brakes (the Sexual Inhibition System, or SIS).
The accelerator responds to sexually relevant stimuli like touch, thoughts, smells, emotional closeness, and novelty.
The brakes respond to reasons not to have sex—stress, body image concerns, relationship conflict, distraction, exhaustion, pain, worry about performance, or simply feeling disconnected from a partner.
The most important insight from Nagoski's research: Low desire in long-term relationships is almost never about a broken accelerator. It's almost always about an overactive brakes system. The solution isn't to add more stimulation—it's to reduce what's hitting the brakes.
Common brake triggers include:
Chronic stress (work, finances, parenting)
Body image concerns or negative self-talk
Feeling emotionally unsafe or disconnected in the relationship
Exhaustion or burnout
Unresolved conflict or resentment
Hormonal changes (postpartum, perimenopause, andropause, medications)
History of trauma or sexual shame
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
Nagoski also distinguishes between two types of desire that are equally healthy and normal:
Spontaneous desire arises seemingly out of nowhere—a sudden urge with no obvious trigger. This is the version most often depicted in movies and media.
Responsive desire emerges in response to stimulation or connection—it comes after the kiss, not before it.
Research suggests roughly 75% of men and 15% of women primarily experience spontaneous desire. A much larger percentage of women (and some men) experience primarily responsive desire. Neither is disordered. But when a spontaneous-desire partner expects their responsive-desire partner to "want it" before anything starts, frustration and rejection cycles can develop quickly.
If you or your partner are waiting to "feel like it" before initiating, and you primarily have responsive desire, you may be waiting for something that biologically isn't likely to arrive on its own. This isn't a character flaw—it's just how some people's desire works.
The Relationship Context: What Esther Perel Adds
While Nagoski's work focuses largely on the individual's internal experience of desire, couples therapist and author Esther Perel reframes desire as fundamentally relational and cultural. In her books Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, Perel argues that long-term intimacy and erotic desire are in inherent tension.
Her core premise: Desire requires mystery, distance, and individuation. Closeness, the very thing we build in committed relationships, can extinguish it.
Perel identifies several dynamics that commonly erode desire in long-term couples:
Merging of identities: When partners become so enmeshed that there's no space between them, erotic energy has nowhere to flow. "I need the other to be an other," Perel writes.
Parenting roles overtaking partnership: Couples who relate primarily as co-parents or roommates often report that the sexual self disappears.
Safety vs. aliveness: We want security and we want aliveness. In long-term relationships, we often sacrifice aliveness for safety without realizing it.
Desire needs to be cultivated: Unlike love, which can be a constant, desire tends to need deliberate attention, novelty, and space to stay alive.
Perel's work is particularly useful for couples who love each other deeply but feel like "the spark is gone." The absence of desire doesn't always signal a problem with the relationship; sometimes it signals that the couple has prioritized security at the expense of play, mystery, and individual identity.
When One Partner Loses Interest: Common Causes to Explore
If you or your partner have experienced a notable decrease in sexual desire, consider these evidence-based explanations:
1. Medical and Hormonal Factors
Hormonal shifts (low testosterone, estrogen changes in perimenopause/menopause, postpartum hormones, thyroid dysfunction)
Medications (SSRIs, hormonal birth control, beta blockers, and others are well-documented libido suppressors)
Chronic pain, illness, or sleep disorders
A conversation with a physician or gynecologist/urologist is always a reasonable first step
2. Mental Health
Depression frequently presents as loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities, including sex
Anxiety increases the brake system significantly
Trauma history, including sexual trauma, can profoundly affect desire and body safety
Treating underlying mental health concerns often restores desire
3. Relationship Dynamics
Unresolved conflict, stonewalling, or chronic criticism (what researcher John Gottman identifies as predictors of relationship breakdown) are powerful brakes
Feeling unseen, unheard, or unappreciated in the relationship
Emotional unavailability in one or both partners
Trust ruptures, including infidelity (see below)
4. Life Stage and Context
New parenthood, caregiving stress, job loss, grief, and major transitions all affect desire
Desire often returns as stressors are addressed—not because something was "fixed" sexually, but because the brake was released
5. Sexual Pain or Discomfort
Dyspareunia (painful sex) and vaginismus affect a significant percentage of women and are frequently underreported
Pain creates a powerful conditioned avoidance response
Treatment is available and effective; this is not something to simply endure
For the Higher-Desire Partner: What Not to Do (and What to Try Instead)
When your partner withdraws from sex, it's natural to feel rejected, confused, or lonely. But how you respond to that gap matters enormously. Research on couple dynamics consistently shows that certain responses worsen the cycle:
Responses that backfire:
Pressuring, negotiating, or guilting your partner into sex
Interpreting their low desire as rejection of you personally
Withdrawing emotionally in retaliation
Treating every physical touch as a potential lead-up to sex (this trains the lower-desire partner to avoid touch altogether)
Making your partner feel broken, abnormal, or like a problem to be fixed
More effective approaches:
Express your longing without accusation: "I miss feeling close to you" rather than "You never want to have sex."
Separate affection from sexual initiation, rebuild touch and closeness without agenda
Get curious about your partner's experience rather than defensive about your own
Explore the context together: What's hitting their brakes? What would feel safe, connecting, or genuinely wanted?
Consider what Esther Perel calls "claiming desire"—being honest about what you want without making your partner responsible for your entire erotic life
For the Lower-Desire Partner: You're Not Alone
If you've lost interest in sex, or never had much interest to begin with, you may be carrying shame or fear that something is wrong with you. Let's be direct: most cases of low desire are not permanent, not pathological, and not your fault.
Some honest questions worth sitting with:
Is there something in the relationship that feels unsafe, unresolved, or exhausting that might be functioning as a brake?
Are you waiting to "feel like it" spontaneously, when responsive desire might actually be your natural pattern?
Are you in a season of life that is simply depleting? (New parent? Caregiving? High-stress job? Grief?)
Is there physical discomfort associated with sex that you've been avoiding naming?
Is there shame—about your body, your history, or sex itself—that operates quietly in the background?
You don't have to want sex the way your partner wants sex. But understanding your own desire system—what accelerates it and what hits the brakes—gives you agency rather than leaving you feeling like a passive bystander to your own libido.
Can Couples Therapy Actually Help With Desire Discrepancy?
Yes—and this is one of the areas where couples therapy tends to have strong outcomes. Here's what the therapeutic process typically looks like:
Assessment: Understanding each partner's desire style, history, and what contextual factors are at play
Psychoeducation: Providing the research-backed framework for how desire actually works (often this alone is enormously relieving)
Communication tools: Learning to discuss desire without one partner feeling pressured and the other feeling rejected
Addressing underlying issues: Unresolved conflict, attachment wounds, or trauma that are functioning as brakes
Rebuilding intimacy and connection: Often starting with non-sexual touch and working toward a mutually satisfying erotic relationship that fits this couple
Couples counseling does not take the approach that more sex is always the goal. The goal is a sexual relationship that both partners feel good about—whatever form that takes.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to not want sex in a long-term relationship? Yes. Research consistently shows that sexual desire tends to decline in long-term relationships, particularly after the early "limerence" phase ends. This is not a sign that something is broken, it's a signal that desire now requires more intentional attention and context.
My partner hasn't wanted sex in months. Does this mean they're having an affair? Not necessarily. Low desire has many causes, and most of them have nothing to do with outside relationships. That said, if you're concerned about fidelity, that concern deserves a direct, honest conversation, ideally with support from a therapist.
Can medication fix low libido? Sometimes, particularly when low desire is caused by hormonal factors or depression. A physician can evaluate whether there's a medical component. However, research shows that psychological and relational factors are usually significant contributors, which is why counseling is often recommended alongside medical treatment, not instead of it.
We love each other but haven't had sex in over a year. Is our relationship over? No. "Sexless" or low-sex relationships are more common than most people realize, and many couples find their way back to a satisfying intimate life with support. The absence of sex is a signal worth paying attention to—not a death sentence for the relationship.
What if I just have a lower sex drive than my partner and I'm not sure I want to change that? That's a valid and important conversation to have. Desire discrepancy doesn't require the lower-desire partner to simply increase their desire to match the higher-desire partner. It requires both partners to understand each other's needs, negotiate honestly, and find an approach that respects both people. A therapist can help you navigate that without either partner feeling coerced or dismissed.
Can we address this in couples counseling in Vancouver, WA? Yes. Bright Future Counseling LLC offers couples counseling in Vancouver, WA, in-person and via telehealth throughout Washington and Oregon. If you live outside of Washington and Oregon, Dr. VALINDA HARLAN can provide the same services via telehealth as a Relationship Coach. Desire discrepancy is one of the most common—and most treatable—concerns couples bring to therapy.
A Note on Sources
This post draws on research and frameworks from:
Emily Nagoski, PhD — Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (2015, updated 2021). Nagoski's work on the Dual Control Model, responsive vs. spontaneous desire, and the role of context in sexual wellbeing is foundational in sex-positive, research-informed therapy.
Esther Perel, MA, LMFT — Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017). Perel's relational and cultural lens on desire is essential reading for couples navigating long-term intimacy.
John Bancroft & Erick Janssen — Dual Control Model of sexual response (Kinsey Institute research).
John Gottman, PhD & Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD — Research on couples communication patterns, emotional attunement, and relationship stability.
Lori Brotto, PhD — Research on mindfulness-based approaches to low sexual desire, particularly in women.
Valinda Harlan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in Washington and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Oregon, and owner of Bright Future Counseling LLC. She specializes in couples counseling and individual therapy in Vancouver, WA, with telehealth services available throughout Washington and Oregon. To schedule a consultation, visit couplescounselingpnw.com.
